


If I be good to you, can I be any more than that?

by blackpearl91



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, and sometimes it just isn't enough, harry isn't as how you'd expect..he's got loads of issues, louis too, they're just very sad and very in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:57:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4065874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackpearl91/pseuds/blackpearl91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em> The look Harry gives him makes Louis want to wrap him up in jumpers and whisper stories of love conquering all into his skin.</em><br/><em>So he says, “Lets go home.” And Harry smiles at him like he’s been saving up for the grand finale before the end and Louis knows that he’ll never be the same once this is over. </em><br/><br/>au: Harry's all the colours of autumn, and Louis loves him so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I be good to you, can I be any more than that?

**Author's Note:**

> A warning for all of the referenced drug/alcohol use and watch out for a very brief dub-con scene in ch 13 (a sentence long and not between harry and louis).
> 
> This is for my sister, thank you for believing in me. It's also dedicated to x, who still manages to slip in-between my words, years later.
> 
>    
> title taken from dog is dead's song; talk through the night.  
>   
> 

 

 

 

 

one

The first time Louis sees Harry, he thinks the boy is sunshine, with his wild curls and bright, dimpled smile.

The next time Louis sees Harry, he's loud and electric and magnetic and he sweeps everyone away like a hurricane. Louis watches him move and decides that he’s as beautiful as he is destructive. And now he's leaning against Nick Grimshaw's car and he’s quiet like the last day of autumn and his eyes look so sad and fucking lost and Louis feels his fingers twitch with the need to draw and remember and create. 

He wants to lay Harry out and paint him, because he looks like all the colours of autumn; greens and browns and soft pinks, and Louis has always appreciated endings.

Harry makes Louis nervous and yet not-he wants to kiss him and fuck him and love him hard.

But Harry isn't his. 

Yet Louis sees the way Harry flinches when Grimshaw throws an arm over his shoulder, and the way he curls deeper into himself. 

Louis shouldn’t want him and should stay far away but he’d never been good at leaving things and people alone.  

 

 

two

It's quiet in the ways Louis hates the most, when the silence settles in his veins and it makes him restless and wanting to replace it with vodka or tattoos or the taste of someone else’s skin. But alcohol's expensive and he's running out of space for tattoos and he can't get green eyes out of his head. So he walks over to Zayn’s flat and curls up beside him to get warm and lights a blunt and tries to ignore the feeling of needing to run. 

“Tell me something.”

This is what they do - Louis is afraid of flying too far and too high and Zayn’s the anchor that keeps him grounded. Zayn tells him stories of the future; of opening tattoo shops and getting a dog and smoking expensive cigarettes and being happy and says, “We’ll make it Lou."

Louis kisses Zayn on the forehead because he loves this boy and the way he believes so much in them. They curl up under the sheets and come up with names for their dog and Louis laughs and laughs until the blue under his skin glows orange and he doesn’t feel like he’s going crazy. 

As Zayn’s breaths even out, and his fingers still, Louis whispers, “You are lovely. And you are someone who should be loved wholeheartedly."

 

 

three

 They're at a party where there's too much alcohol and people who want to forget and Louis is one of them.

He dances with boys and girls and he drinks too much tequila, there are hands on his waist and lips at his neck and it all feels so  _wrong_  and he needs to leave. He pushes his way out to the balcony and lights a cigarette, hands shaking. His head’s still spinning and his heart’s still beating a little too fast. 

And then he hears a “You watch me.” Louis turns and Harry’s there, his eyes glassy and his smile wobbly. 

Louis doesn’t,  _can’t,_  answer, so instead he nods and takes a deep drag of his cigarette. Harry steps closer and closer until Louis has to pull his cigarette out from his mouth to keep from burning Harry. Louis has always been able to see the green of Harry's eyes, but this close he can also see the red and the flecks of brown and gold and the broken anger just underneath the surface. He doesn’t know what Harry sees when he looks at him, maybe nothing, maybe everything. But when Harry presses his lips to Louis’, he thinks that it doesn’t matter, because Harry kisses like he’s full of stars and suns and moons and planets.

Louis thinks that here, on the balcony, they’ve just created a whole new universe just for themselves.

  

four

“Hey Lou.”

Louis has never met someone like Niall.

He’s barely contained energy and light and love and everything good. He laughs at Louis’ jokes even if they aren’t funny, and Louis thinks he laughs like he’s never been lonely or sad. They share cigarettes on their breaks and sometimes Niall tells Louis stories about the girl he loves.

But today Louis can’t listen to stories with happy endings, he just wants to smoke, sleep and maybe move somewhere far away, so he doesn’t smile at Niall. He still sits down next to Louis, and he still smells of weed and floral laundry detergent and it shouldn’t comfort Louis, but it does. Instead of talking, they fill up the space between them with smoke and quiet understanding. 

Louis’ thinking of galaxies and soft pink lips and how much easier his life would be if he could just fucking let things go. “Some people just want to stop being lonely. Some people want love. And Lou, you’ll find it, if you remember to look in the right places.” 

And then Niall stands up to go find his girl and Louis thinks that maybe he doesn’t need love, just someone who’d know where to find him if he ever got lost. 

 

five

“You can’t kiss me. Then ignore me.” 

But Harry’s looking at him with something like magic and fire and Louis is a mess of unfinished thoughts and words. He can’t think properly, not when Harry’s looking at him like he’s the stars that appear in the sky when you’re far away from the too bright lights of the city.

He looks at Louis like he’s the only thing he can see.

And it's intoxicating really, to be looked at like you're the centre of someone’s universe. So Louis doesn't push Harry away when his lips brush against his. Instead, Louis pulls him closer and holds him tight and hears what Harry can't say with his words but says with his lips pressed against Louis’ own and hands gently splayed across his cheeks.

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_  

 

six

Autumn’s always been Louis’ favourite season. Everything’s bright and beautiful and so full of colour, ready to go out into winter with a bang. 

Harry’s eyes are so blown Louis can’t even see the green but his cheeks and lips are stained red and there are purple bruises on his skin and he’s bursting with life even as he drowns himself with alcohol and pills.

“I like you more than I should.”

Louis stops breathing for a while, he wants to kiss Harry senseless but then Harry leans over and pukes and Louis is reminded of where they are (hunched over a toilet in a stranger’s flat). He holds Harry’s hair away from his face and watches all the tequila and vodka and god knows what else come out of Harry. 

He wants to crawl into the empty spaces of Harry’s heart, and maybe fill them up with good things like books and long drives and cuddles and endless kisses but he’s afraid that by the time he’s done, he’ll have nothing left for himself.  

“I like you better than everything in the sky.” The look Harry gives him makes Louis want to wrap him up in jumpers and whisper stories of love conquering all into his skin. 

So he says, “Lets go home.” 

Harry smiles at him like he’s been saving up for the grand finale before the end and Louis knows that he’ll never be the same once this is over. 

 

seven

He can’t focus on what his professor’s saying even though this class is important. 

But it isn’t his fault, because he can’t forget yesterday’s “ _You should come closer, come close enough till I can’t tell where you end and where I start._ ”

It isn’t his fault because today there’s a text on his phone that says:

  _[11.16 am]_

_i need space x_  

And Louis thinks Harry’s fucking blind, because even when they’re together there’s an ocean of space between them. 

He wants to say,  _“fuck you, grow up.”_

He wants to say, “ _please don’t go. you mean something to me.”_

He wants to ask,  _“why does love terrify you so much?”_

But he doesn’t type any of that. Instead he replies:

_[11.30]_

_i’ll miss you._

 

eight

Louis knows today’s a bad day when he sees Zayn curled up on his bed, looking vacant and faraway. Louis’ heart drops because he hasn’t seen Zayn this bad in a long time, and he feels guilty, because Zayn is his best friend and his only family - he’s supposed to notice when Zayn starts to drown. 

He toes his shoes off and falls into the space beside Zayn, and grips his hand tight. Doesn’t turn it over to see the long red scars he knows will be there. “My lungs and heart ache when I breathe. It  _hurts_. I thought I was better."

 Louis thought so too. But right now he wants to tell Zayn that it doesn’t matter if they don’t get their tattoo shop or dogs because everything changes. That it doesn’t matter how it ends, because he’ll always have Louis.

“If you feel your grip getting lose, just know I won’t let go. I won’t let you drown."

Zayn cries and cries until he falls asleep. 

nine

“You won’t be enough. I loved him too, you know?"

Louis doesn’t know what hurts more, the words or the punches or the twisting panic curling around him. He thinks maybe it’s the punches, because he’s always known that he wasn’t the first person to have loved Harry. Or who thought that they could fill up the hollow spaces in him. 

Grimshaw gives him a look of complete pity, and it makes Louis sit up and spit out the blood from his mouth and also want to drink until his heart slows down. He doesn’t want Nick’s pity, he prefers the punches, and he just wants to go home and pretend, but he can’t, because Harry’s not there. 

“He’ll never love you the way you want."

And maybe Nick’s right, but Louis doesn’t care, because he’ll take what he can get with Harry. He’ll take the drunken confessions and the scratches down his back and kisses that make him feel like dying. He’ll take what he can get, because he doesn’t need Harry to love him loudly and completely (at least not now, not yet).

He imagines though, that in another universe, there’s a Harry who loves him without needing to dull it down with alcohol and pills and other people. He hopes in that universe, Harry can tell Louis “I love you too."

 

ten

Niall isn’t at work today, and instead there’s a short girl with pin straight dark hair and too brown eyes leaning against their wall. She doesn’t smile but she offers Louis a cigarette and he decides she’s alright.

“Look, mate, stay away from Harry, yeah?"

Louis so fucking tired of hearing this. It’s been a week and his eye is still bruised and he hasn’t spoken to Harry in two months, and he’s going to lose his job and he really doesn’t need other people telling him what to do. Maybe the girl knows this, because she looks at Louis with those too brown eyes and says, “I used to know him. Before Niall."

And then Louis understands that this girl is the same girl who Niall loves. That this is the girl of Niall’s stories, the other half of Niall’s heart.

“Niall saved me. He pulled me right out of black hole I was falling into. The thing with Harry is that he’s addictive, he’s so much everything - he’s got so much to give, and he wasn’t built to love just one thing or person. It isn’t easy, loving someone who teaches you how painful and beautiful it is. It isn’t easy loving someone who’s only half yours."

She smiles at Louis a little sadly and a lot softly, and even though Louis knows it’s stupid, he tries to look for traces of Harry hidden in the lines and crinkles of her smile.  

He wonders if years down the road, someone would see him smile and be able to find pieces of the green eyed boy buried there.

_[4.19 pm]_

_hi x_

For the first time in weeks, Louis feels his mouth curve into a smile. 

 

 

eleven

 Liam has a beautiful warm smile and his entire self is quiet and steady. He fits with Zayn.

Louis watches from behind the bar at the way Zayn smiles at Liam like he’s fucking terrified and the way he laces their fingers together in response and whispers, “It’s okay." Louis is so ecstatic for his best friend, because all he ever wants is for Zayn to be loved in the way he deserves.

Zayn had met him a week ago, and it made Louis a little nervous and worried when Zayn came home from therapy with a disbelieving smile and told Louis he had a date. Louis wanted to be supportive but he also wanted Zayn to be careful and not fall too fast because he was just getting good and he needed to make sure the boy understood how fucking special Zayn was.

But he didn’t have to worry, because Liam with his honest eyes and lovely quiet way of understanding looked at Zayn like he was a precious stone.

So he doesn’t mind when Zayn says, “I’ll see you tomorrow Lou, don’t wait up for me.”

He grabs Zayn from across the bar top and hugs him tight. 

“I am so fucking happy for you Zayn."

twelve

Louis doesn’t like thinking of his home (where the heart supposedly is) or of his family (Zayn’s the only one who matters). But sometimes when he drinks too much he gets the feeling that something in his mind’s infecting everything else. He knows it’s the thought of his mum and his dad and the way he completely gave up that eats at away at him. 

He remembers his mum and the way she called him Boobear and the way she always, always hugged him tight.

He remembers the way she would look at him and laugh and smile so wide he was afraid her face would split into two.

_“Just keep looking at the sun, Boobear. The shadows can’t touch you when you’re standing in the light.”_ But then he also remembers hospitals and needles and unbearable pain and  _“please god, don’t take her away from me.”_

Mostly he remembers grief; the way it stripped a person bare, and left behind something ugly and twisted in its place. Only the worst parts of his dad were left. He lost his mum and his dad and he couldn’t look at the sun anymore.

He knows now that the shadows caught up to him a long time ago.

 

  

thirteen

He finds Harry in the bathroom.

There’s another guy there and he’s crowding into Harry’s space with his hands on either side of Harry’s head and all Louis can feel is this pulsing, white-hot anger. And fear. Sheer, blinding fear.

“Jesus fuck, Harry!"

He pulls the guy off of Harry and instantly he feels sick because Harry’s eyes are half lidded and he looks barely conscious. He brushes Harry’s hair off his face and makes him sit down and lean back against the wall. 

“Look mate-”

Louis doesn’t let the guy finish his sentence. He punches the guy hard, because he’s so angry and completely  _terrified_ because he just barely made there in time and Harry deserves so much more. He only stops when he hears a croaky “Lou, please."

“If I ever see you again, I swear I’ll kill you.” He means it. 

Then he’s crawling towards Harry and pulling him into his lap and rocking him. Louis knows he’s crying, and that makes him even angrier because Harry’s not, smiling like it’s okay. Maybe it is okay for Harry because sometimes he comes home to Louis with bruises and a barely-there smile and says  _“please Lou, help me forget.”_  

He just wants to help Harry, but he doesn’t know how or where to start.

“You have to stop, Harry. You can’t keep doing this."

He almost doesn’t hear Harry’s raspy “I love you, Louis."

 

  

fourteen

Harry’s eyes are so green and bright and his cheeks are flushed pink from the cold and Louis thinks that he maybe looks like an angel. 

He thinks of what Niall’s girl had said, and about loving someone who’s only half there. The thing is though, Harry’s bright and beautiful, and when he smiles at Louis, it’s like the sun. And Louis needs brightness, even if it comes from flames.

“Catch me Lou!" Harry’s running towards Louis and his legs wrap around his waist and Louis holds him tight.

They’re both laughing when they fall, and Harry’s whispering, “I knew you’d catch me." Louis’ eyes go soft and he pulls Harry down, kissing him softly,  _once, twice, thrice_.

Harry’s fingers are trembling from the cold and the snow’s slowly seeping into Louis’ jacket but he doesn’t want to move. Not with Harry’s lips at his neck sucking bruises and hips pushing down hard against Louis’. He feels warm all over and when Harry asks him what he wants, he blurts out the truth; “You, fuck Harry. I always want  _you_."

Harry’s hips still above him and Louis whines, hands gripping Harry’s thighs. 

“You can have me, but only if you can catch me." And then Harry pushes off Louis with a sweet grin and breaks into a run, his laughter ringing loudly in Louis’ ears.

Louis chases after him, because, of course he would.

Harry’s always running and Louis’ just trying his best to keep up. 

 

  

 

fifteen

There are too many people in Zayn’s and Liam’s flat, but everyone’s laughing and partying like they’re indestructible, and Louis thinks that maybe, just for tonight, they could be. 

He’s smoking out on the balcony when Zayn finds him. 

Zayn’s always been Louis’ favourite thing to draw, because he’s all lines and sharp angles and Louis can sketch him with his eyes closed because he knows everything about him. But now Zayn’s staring at him with his eyes narrowed and unreadable, and they’ve shared millions of looks before, but Louis doesn’t recognise this one.

“Your boy’s chaos."

Louis exhales smoke and turns back to watch Harry dance with Liam on his table and yeah, his curls are wild and his cheeks are tinged pink and he looks so fucking divine, but he’s not Louis’ boy (at least he doesn’t think so). He turns to give Zayn a smile, but it comes out all wrong because Zayn’s looking at him in the way that makes Louis want to cry.

“Lou, I just want you to be happy yeah?"

Louis’ heart swells, his eyes cloud over and he pulls Zayn’s arm over his own shoulder. Zayn rests his cheek on Louis’ head and they’re quiet like only best friends can be. 

“If Harry makes you happy, then he’s okay. But Lou, if he ever makes you sad and you want to leave; we’ll leave, yeah? We’ll drive as far as we can and we’ll start over.”

Harry might be the swirling pitch black of the night sky, but Zayn was his north star. 

He’d always lead Louis home.

 

 

sixteen

Niall and Zayn are sitting in his flat drinking beer and eating cold pizza and playing video games. It’s 2am when they finally curl up on the mattress Louis brings out. They're quiet for awhile, before Zayn whispers into the dark, “Being in love with Liam scares me. But he makes me so happy too. And I think maybe that’s what love is."

Louis doesn’t say anything because he’s always scared. He’s scared Harry will get too drunk or high and he’s scared he isn’t enough and that one day he’s going to lose him (he’s barely hanging on as it is). The thing is, he wants to go to sleep every night with Harry curled up beside him and wants to have whispered conversations at 3 am and wants to wake up to kisses.

He wants Harry always, until he has to give him up.

  _[2.11 am]_

_move in with me?_

_[2.16 am]_

_okay xx_

 

seventeen

 “I always want to be somewhere else."

The words are whispered into the base of Louis’ neck, just where his artery’s pumping and keeping him alive. Louis’ fingers stop playing with Harry’s hair, and he prepares for the inevitable: Harry pushing him away. He doesn’t let himself curl around Louis like this, not usually, and especially not when he’s sober. But today he’s tucked into Louis’ side, all warm and soft. 

“I always want to be moving. I don’t like being still.” Harry’s fingers are splayed on Louis’ chest, just above his heart. 

“But you make me want to leave roots. You make me want to stay.” 

Louis’ heart stops beating beneath Harry’s hands for a second but then he pulls Harry up and kisses him until they both can’t breathe. Harry’s lips are so red and swollen and his eyes, fuck, Louis has never seen them so clear. He moves so Harry’s pinned beneath him and he thinks Harry looks like how warm feels.

He whispers his love into every dip and curve of Harry’s body as he pushes into him, slow and sweet first and then hard and fast. When they’re both sweaty and panting and glowing, he says,

“My best days are with you.” And maybe it’s the way the soft, muted sun filters into their room and bathes Harry in gold, but he thinks Harry’s one of those things that is so beautiful, they hurt. 

He’s everything Louis doesn’t understand about the universe; he’s quiet and lovely lazy mornings. 

Louis thinks he’ll love him forever.

 

 

eighteen

 Louis doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting at the table but he knows he’s on his third glass of whiskey and everything’s just beginning to blur. He can see the pity in his waitress’s eyes, in the way she gives him soft, sweet smiles and serves him his whiskeys without judgment. He hates that she, and everyone else at the restaurant can probably read his anger and disappointment and sadness in the tremble of his fingers when he checks his phone for the millionth time.

 

_[6.45 pm]_

_where r u? our reservation was for 6.30_

_[7.00 pm]_

_haz r u otw? i’m waiting at the restaurant for u._

_[7.10 pm]_

_please just reply me_

_[7.11 pm]_

_is everything ok? did smth happen?_

_[7.12 pm]_

_oh god r u ok?_

_[7.15 pm]_

_zayn says u left an hour ago_

_[7.20 pm]_

_why aren’t u answering ur phone_

 

And he doesn’t know what to think, because Harry’s read the messages but he isn’t replying.

 

_[7.22 pm]_

_pick up you twat_

_[7.24 pm]_

_jesus christ harry where the fuck are u_

_[7.30 pm]_

_i’m still here_

_[7.34 pm]_

_god dammit harry_

_[7.45 pm]_

_please don’t do this_

 

And he knows he should have been prepared. That he should have seen it coming, because Harry had been pushing him away in little bits and pieces and Louis chose not to see it because he loved him too much. When he stands up to leave, all he can think about is Harry and his lips and his eyes and his laugh.   

He remembers lying in bed with Harry, he can remember the feel of him, the softness of the morning sun spilling across them and his paintbrushes and Harry’s books and how warm he’d felt, entwined with Harry,  _arms, hands, legs, feet_. 

But now all he feels is tired. Louis knows that loving someone shouldn’t make you tired or empty. But Harry’s his home and he doesn’t know where else to go. He just needs everything to be easy again, so he can look at Harry and not feel like screaming at him.

He just wants to love and not have it hurt and bruise and scar. 

_[8.30 pm]_

_i’m so sorry lou, but i can’t_

Louis wonders if he always forgives Harry only because he’s too scared of losing him. 

 

nineteen

 

He’s been on edge all night and pretends he can’t see the way Niall watches him when he sneaks another sip of his drink. Niall looks at him like he wants to understand why there are heavy eye bags under Louis’ eyes, why he looks so defeated every time he catches sight of Harry from across the bar. 

Louis doesn’t know what to say, because he can’t make Niall understand what’s going on, he doesn’t even understand it himself. All he knows is that he hasn’t picked up a paintbrush or a pencil in weeks and he’s skipping most of his classes and his days are a constant blur of  _HarryHarryHarry_. 

He’s saved from Niall and his questions because it’s Friday night and the bar is crowded with uni students and they both need the money.

When he looks up to watch Harry, he feels something heavy settle in his chest. Harry’s laughing, in the way he hasn’t in a long time and Louis doesn’t really want to why. He has everyone’s attention, because he’s captivating like that, and he smiles his dimpled smile and blows Louis a kiss when he notices him watching. 

Then its closing time and all Louis wants to do is go home and order take-out and maybe kiss Harry until they fall asleep, curled around each other.  

But Harry’s nodding at some guy and there’s money and clear white packets and hands in pockets and Louis feels like someone’s got a hand around his heart and is squeezing it tight. Harry comes up to him and kisses him like nothing’s wrong and grabs Louis’ hand, twisting their fingers together. 

“Let’s go home, babe."

He throws back the rest of his drink.

 

twenty

They’re at the beach and something about the cold and the waves make Louis feel like he’s home. He watches the way the waves pull into shore and he wonders if being in love feels like drowning. He thinks maybe it does, because Harry makes him feel like there’s no air left in his lungs and every time he tries to breathe all he gets is a mouthful of freezing cold water. 

Harry’s got his head in Louis’ lap and Louis is tracing patterns into the harsh lines of Harry’s back. He can feel each knob of Harry’s spine and he’s so skinny Louis is so afraid he’s going to break him. 

“You’re kind of like Peter Pan, Lou.”

There’s a small sweet smile on Harry’s face. "You’d bring me far away. Somewhere with mermaids and pirates and adventures."

His voice goes a little soft and wistful and Louis wants so much to be able to take Harry away from all his demons. “Does that make you my Wendy?”

Harry nuzzles his nose into Louis’ stomach and he bites softly at the skin there. “I’d be Tinkerbelle. She loved him so much she didn’t have space to for anything else. I wish I didn’t have space for everything else. I wish I could just fill myself up with loving you.”

And Louis lets Harry love him and use him and when Harry lets out a breathy “I love you,” they both pretend it’s enough. 

 

 

twenty-one

It’s 4 am when something Louis wakes up. His heart’s beating too fast and there’s the sound of blood rushing in his ears and all he can think is  _“Harry, Harry, Harry.”_

He pushes the toilet door open and his blood runs cold when he sees Harry curled up beside the bowl. Harry looks terrible and older than nineteen, all grey and washed out and covered in snot and tears and vomit. His hands pull desperately at his hair and his body trembles violently when he heaves.  Louis drops to knees and pulls Harry to him, and his skin is sticky and scorching and Louis is so, so scared.

“I feel so  _wrong_ , Lou. I feel wrong and broken and I don’t know how else to fix it.”

He lets out huge, wrecking sobs and Louis holds him tight, because even though Harry’s taller than Louis, he feels so small. 

“Oh Haz,” because his beautiful boy, with all his autumn colours is fading into winter.

Louis holds and soothes and comforts Harry when he turns towards the bowl and heaves, again and again until there’s nothing left. Harry doesn’t stop crying and shaking and begging Louis to “ _make me better_.”

Louis doesn’t know what to do because Harry’s breaking into a million little pieces and he doesn’t know how to keep him from completely shattering. He clings to Harry tightly and cries silently into his hair and promises, “You’re okay, love. I got you."

They don’t sleep. 

 

  

 

twenty-two

They’re in a restaurant and Harry’s cheeks are tinted a light pink and their legs are entwined under the table and they’re sharing an ice cream and Louis cannot stop staring. Harry always looks beautiful, but under the dim glow of the fairy lights, Louis thinks he’s breathtaking.

He’s talking about his therapy session and Louis feels a warmth bloom in his chest because he’s so fucking proud of Harry. “You’re staring.”

And with the way Harry’s looking at him, Louis thinks he doesn’t mind so much. 

“I love you."

It’s the first time Louis says it and it doesn’t make him feel like he’s made a mistake, because Harry’s looking at him with his eyes shining like stars and he grips Louis’ hand tight. 

“I love you too."

And then Harry’s shuffling closer and they’re kissing softly and Louis can taste the chocolate in Harry’s mouth and he feels this dizzying sort of happiness and he knows this should have been their first kiss. 

“I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“You make it easy, Lou."

They kiss until Louis feels like there’s electricity thrumming in his veins and galaxies behind his eyes he’s sure they could do anything they wanted.

He feels like the whole world is theirs.

 

twenty-three

They’re both drunk and giggling into their kisses when they finally stumble into their bedroom. Harry falls onto the bed with a laugh, movements hazy and graceless. Louis loves him so much and he’s so endeared with Harry’s drunken rambles and he knows he’ll never get tired of listening to his boy.

He falls into the space next to Harry and pulls him closer. This is enough for him, just being close, but Harry always, always wants more. Harry rolls Louis onto his back and straddles his waist, their kisses turning frantic and yet when Harry finally sinks down onto Louis everything else just slows down. They kiss like they have all the time in the world and Louis desperately wishes that were true. Harry’s so beautiful like this, head thrown back and curls wild and eyes glassy - Louis’ hands itch to draw. He does the next best thing and traces Harry’s features with fingers, ending with his hands clutching tightly at Harry’s hips.

They fuck until they’re sober and then in the pale pink morning light Harry presses his lips to Louis’ ears and whispers, “I want it all - two kids and a nice house and maybe a dog - I want it all with you.”

 

 

 

 

  

twenty-four

“Hey, sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I kinda heard Professor Turner talking to you earlier? And I understand if you think I’m weird or annoying or something, but I was thinking I could tutor you…”

Louis doesn’t even bother to look up.

“…If you need to catch up. And it wouldn’t be just you and me, there’s a couple of other students too."

The girl- Eleanor- is smiling at him a little unsurely, and Louis wants to tell her to fuck off, because he’s trying his best not to lose it. 

It isn’t even her fault. 

Louis doesn’t really know how he ended up here, struggling in his classes and wondering if the empty bottle of pills he’d found belonged to his boyfriend. He wants so hard to believe it isn’t Harry’s. He needs to believe that Harry’s getting better.

“Louis? Are you okay?"

She touches his shoulder gently and Louis flinches because her hand’s too small and she smells too sweet and he can’t really talk around the lump in his throat. 

“Eleanor, yeah? Thanks very much, but I’ve got to go. I’ll let you know next week."

And then he’s walking away, head down and cigarette between his lips.

He needs a drink.

 

 

 

 twenty-five

 “Could you please just check again?"

And maybe it's the way he looks (sad, tired and so hopeful) or the way he sounds (pleading), and Louis doesn’t know how he’d become such an open book, but the receptionist speaks to him like he’s someone who scares easily. It makes him want to fucking scream, because he’s Louis fucking Tomlinson, and he’s many things, but a coward isn’t one of them. 

Maybe that’s a lie, because his hands are shaking and he feels like he can’t breathe, because Harry isn’t here. He isn’t at his therapy session, hasn’t been to any of them at all. 

Louis feels like the ground is shifting beneath him again, and this time he knows, he’s going to fall off the edge. 

 

 

 

 twenty-six

“I think you’ve completely ruined me for anyone else.” He’s running his fingers through Harry’s curls and they’re both huddled out on the balcony.

Louis’ other hand brings the cigarette to his lips and he sucks, deep and hard. He can feel Harry’s eyes on him and it makes him feel small. Harry doesn’t say anything, but in his silence, Louis hears his reply.

And he laughs because of course Harry would be okay with ruining him. Of course he’d want to be the only person Louis would ever love. He laughs until it sounds likes sobs and he lets Harry swallow his cries with kisses until he starts to get dizzy. They’re quiet for a while, with Harry curled up between Louis’ outstretched legs and Louis’ arms around his waist.

Its in moments like this where Louis feels the most brave, like he might be able to tell Harry he knows Harry’s started with the pills again, that he misses Zayn something fierce - that he’s slowly losing his mind.

He opens his mouth to say something but Harry beats him to it.

“Don’t wait up for me yeah?” And this something else Harry’s started up again, disappearing at dusk and coming back in the dark and snuggling into Louis’ chest like he never left.

When he stands to go, he takes all of Louis’ words and bravery with him.

Louis waits for him anyway.

 

 

 

 

 twenty-seven

_“Lou…call me please? I’m worried about you. I haven’t seen you in weeks and Niall says you haven’t turned up for work either. Please Lou, please call me. I’m always here-”_

Louis can hear the desperation in Zayn’s voice and all he wants is to pick up his phone and talk to his best friend.

But he can’t.

Because then he would have to explain how he doesn’t bother to get up for his classes or work or anything else anymore. He’d have to explain why there’s always a bottle in his hands, why he needs it so badly- how it’s the only way he can stand to look at himself anymore. And he doesn’t think he could stand to hear the gentle kindness in Zayn’s voice, the unconditional love he knows will be there, because he doesn’t deserve it.

_“-for you. I won’t let you fall, remember? We don’t let go.”_

Louis smashes his phone against the wall, because it feels good to break something and he’s just so angry and desperate and  _lost_.  

He collapses to the floor. He doesn’t let himself cry.

Instead he drinks and waits for the clawing fear in his chest to go away.

 

 

  

twenty-eight 

 Harry’s his star and all stars eventually explode. And their universe collapses on itself and everything gets pulled into oblivion.

 

_“Please Harry, I can’t keep watching you do this. I love you so much, but you’re breaking my heart."_

 

" _I wish I could back in time and tell you that you’re so full of wonderful things, and that shouldn’t frighten you."_

_“You’re so bright and beautiful but you’re also cruel and angry."_

 

Their kisses and touches fade into silences and grunting. Whispers and gentle touches become screams and bruises. And he remembers all their fights too, especially those they had towards the end. 

 

_“You make me want to be better, and that scares me so badly."_

 

_“If I never do anything right ever again, it wouldn’t matter, because I had you."_

_“You remember that night on my birthday? You baked me a cake and threw me party and that was when I knew you were the best thing that could’ve happened to me."_

_“It’s not fair Lou. I’m not a character in a book, my problems don’t get fixed at the end of this chapter. You have to understand that."_

_“Sometimes love just isn’t enough. And I wish that it was, with all of my heart."_

_“You’re right. Your problems can’t be solved that easily but I can’t be the one to help you try anymore."_

_“I’ll love you forever, even as we both make new memories."_

_“You make me strong. Please don’t go.”_

_“Maybe I’ll see you in a few years. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough the second time around."_

 

Louis loves Harry with all his heart, but Harry’s a supernova and Louis isn’t strong enough to stabilise him.

When it ends, it does so with a whimper and not a bang.

It ends with Harry hunched over a toilet crying and reaching out to Louis. It ends with Louis turning around and walking away.

 

_This is the way the world ends,_

_This is the way the world ends,_

_This is the way the world ends,_

_Not with a bang, but a whimper._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for the terrible ending and for all the instances I started a sentence with and, but or because.
> 
> I also don't know if this was any good, but you've taken the time to read it, thank you. I know this harry and louis are very different (and fictional) from their real-life counterparts (I took lots of liberties with their characterisations) and that not everyone might agree with it. 
> 
> So if you've stuck it out to this point, thank you.
> 
> if you liked it, [reblog](http://21pearls.tumblr.com/post/122247816504/) it maybe?


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